When you walk three blocks from your house in the city, you will be in another neighborhood…and most likely lost. At the same distance, we’ll just be approaching our next-door neighbor’s front porch.

Our neighbors are no trouble at all. Sure they play hard rock heavy metal blow-your-brains out music all evening…but the birds and the crickets drown out the racket.

Our neighbor across the road has a sign that stays lit up all night: Bert’s Auto Repair. He no longer does auto repair, but he doesn’t do sign removal either. See? We have a downtown, too.

We don’t need streetlights. We already have the stars, thank you very much. What do you mean, “What are stars?”

You have gangs in the city. Every now and then, somebody loses an ear, or a few fingers. Ha! We have gangs, too. Our gangs eat the field mice. Bet your gangs won’t do that for you.

Don’t be shocked if you see a free-range cow wandering across our front lawn on the way over there. We might not have major league football, but who says we can’t have a mascot? And our theatre nights don’t cost us much. Most of the crickets and lightening bugs play for free. They enjoy country living, too.

Country living slow and easy
Sure, I’ll mow the lawn. Ah…the smell of fresh cut weeds. Remind me some time next month. We’ll walk on the lawn, but until then we can walk in the lawn.

By the way, it’s called a septic tank, not a skeptic tank. And yes, Irma Bombeck was right about the grass. And so are the weeds.

Every Monday morning I go for a hike. I tie up my laces. I put on my cap. And I grab hold of two heavy bags. Then I walk. And walk. And walk. And just when I feel like I can carry the bags no farther, I reach the end of the driveway. Yes, Monday is garbage day.

Out here, we ride our mowers and push our brooms. In the city, we hear you do the reverse.

You go to the grocery store to get your food. We cut out the middle man. We pick our own raspberries (both black and red) out back. And out front. And down the hill. And over in the woods. That’s why I like country living.

We grow our own apples; in fact, our trees might give fruit by next year…hopefully.

And when we’re in the mood for chicken, we sit silently at the property line with a hatchet, waiting for a stray bird to accidentally wandering under the fence. Or we drive to town for some KFC.

It’s true. The nearest grocery store is seven miles away. But it takes me only seven minutes to get there…which is how long it took me to get out of the condo parking lot when I lived in the city.

We don’t need bars. We have bonfires. The action gets pretty hot, especially when we have plenty of wood to burn. And who needs alcohol when you can just stand downwind from the fire?

We don’t worry too much about breathing in pollution. There’s not much of that around here. But we do keep our mouths closed when the mosquitoes are swarming.

Lady bugs are very pretty, but not when there are 30,000 of them squeezing their way into your walls. If only they ate mosquitoes…

We have mice. You have rats. Mice are cuter.

Too bad they don’t eat mosquitoes, either.

Sure I commute. What do you think we have a staircase for?

Don’t get me wrong, the city’s a great place for theatre, basketball and fancy restaurants that serve you itsy bitsy morsels on huge white plates with sweeping splashes of colored sauces.

But have you ever noticed how very few depictions of paradise include tower block flats, traffic lights and hot dog vendors? Come pay us a visit and you can enjoy paradise all to yourself…if you don’t mind sharing it with the chickens, the cow, the crickets, the mice and the mosquitoes.

Excuse me now. I have a mouse trap to empty.

The Scripture tells us,

Do not lust in your heart after her beauty… (Prov. 6:25a NIV)

But what exactly does it mean to look at someone lustfully?

It means to admire someone to the point of coveting or wishing to possess that person for oneself: generally, for selfish or impure ends. Looking at someone lustfully invariably involves the powerful inward desire or instinct to share physical intimacy with that person.
It also may be defined as the harbouring of impure thoughts toward that person. These impure thoughts, or the inward desire of the mind for intimacy, need not be considered only in terms of excessive and inappropriate desire for sexual intercourse— although this is included. Lust, however, assumes many other forms. One of these other forms is the inward craving for intimate physical contact. This could involve the lustful desire for mutual sexual gratification, without necessarily extending to full sexual intercourse.

Of course, there is no moral difference between sexual intercourse and sexual gratification short of intercourse. If intercourse before marriage is sinful—and it is—then sexual gratification before marriage is also sinful. No one is exempt from the temptation to lust. Therefore, we must take every care to avoid harbouring impure thoughts by rejecting them whenever they first enter our minds. This involves the exercise of strict self-control. Also, we must take every care to avoid putting ourselves deliberately into any situation where we know that we will be exposed to this or a similar temptation.

The forms of lust mentioned above—and all forms of sexual impurity—are classed either as adultery, or as adultery of the heart. In God’s sight, there is no moral difference between the two. The thought of the mind, and the deed of the body, are both alike a violation of the seventh commandment. (Exodus 20:14; Matt. 5:28)

In the Scriptures, adultery is not confined exclusively to unfaithfulness within the marriage relationship. When used generically, or without the presence of other more specific terms, the expression ‘adultery’ can refer to all forms of sexual immorality. Thus, in the Ten Commandments, adultery relates to all forms of sexual sin. In a similar manner, the expression ‘fornication’ (or sexual immorality) is not confined to the sin of pre-marital (or extra-marital) intercourse—although, of course, these are included. When used generically, the term ‘fornication’ can apply to all forms of sexual impurity or uncleanness.

Our Body is Not for Sexual Immorality

Concerning sexual immorality, God’s Word says:
…The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body. (1 Cor. 6:13b NIV)

? Are we keeping our body pure—for the Lord?

The Scripture continues:

Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? (1 Cor. 6:15a NIV)

? How should we treat the parts of Christ’s body?

Again, God’s Word says:

Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. (1 Cor. 6:18 NIV)

But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people. (Eph. 5:3 NIV)

Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking… (Eph. 5:4a NIV)

(19) Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own;
(20) you were bought at a price. Therefore honour God with your body.

(1 Cor. 6:19-20 NIV)

Our body is the Lord’s. It is a vessel cleansed from every defiling impurity, and hallowed unto God. We must keep that vessel pure—sanctified and holy—for the presence of the Lord. In practice, this means that we must not give our body, or any of its parts, to anyone—except in marriage.

Developing Ones Relationship:

Laying the Right Foundation

Primarily, the period of courtship is a period of getting to know one another intimately—as people. Intimate physical knowledge should have no place at any stage of courtship. This privilege is reserved for marriage alone.

Something Natural can Still be Sinful.

The desire for physical intimacy (i.e., intimate sexual contact) is indeed completely natural. But to seek to express that desire physically, outside of marriage, is absolutely wrong. God demands total purity or chastity before marriage. While we are courting,
therefore, we must never give way to our natural desires for sexual intimacy: not under any circumstances.
Ones relationship with ones boyfriend or girlfriend must be built upon trust and respect—not upon ones powerful feelings or desires. We must never allow ourselves to do something simply because it feels natural. Something that feels perfectly natural can still be sinful.

Assuming we are developing an ongoing relationship with a Christian partner—but not otherwise—we can show natural emotions such as tenderness or affection toward that person: as long as our intentions and our actions are always honouring to God.

If, however, we are beginning to lose total self-control, or if we are doing anything with the deliberate intention of causing or maintaining sexual arousal—either in ourselves or in our partner—then we are in great danger of going too far.

? How far can you safely go?

? How far can you pull the trigger on a gun, before we fire the bullet?

We must never start what may become impossible to stop.

These are just a few of the practical matters relating to courtship where the exercise of self-control is essential. Self-control, however, must not be construed to mean that we cannot show any measure of love or affection toward a person whom we are courting in a God-honouring relationship. Restraint taken to this extreme would be most unnatural and unkind, if not cruel.

? However, regarding those who have broken God’s bounds, what shall we say?? Is any one of us without sin?

? Who among us, therefore, shall be the first to cast a stone?

It’s Too Late to Tell Me Now!“All right,” someone may say, “I can see now that we mustn’t give way to our natural desires for physical intimacy before marriage. But that presents me and my partner with problems—for we have given way. We used to think that it was alright to do some of the things you’ve been talking about. In fact, we’ve been doing them regularly—and we’re Christians. What should we do now?

Each of them can acknowledge that they have sinned against the Lord, against each other, and against their parents. They can confess their sin to God. If they are prepared to seek his forgiveness with all their hearts, God will surely forgive them and will restore them both to full fellowship with himself and with his Son (1 John 1:9)

For God so loved the world that He gave his one and only Son that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life

At the heart of this issue is the idea that gender-based role discrimination is unjust. It says that as far as emotions, psyche, and intellect are concerned, there are no demonstrable differences between male and female. Any apparent differences are the result of cultural conditioning rather than biological fact. Men and women should be treated equally because they are fundamentally the same and so the culture of our society needs to change.

When we turn to the bible, however, we see something very different – a real equality between men and women that encompasses the real differences between them. A complementary partnership, not a self-centred competition.

The basic truth: the complementarily equality of the sexes
The Bible teaches the fundamental equality of men and women. Each human being, man or woman, stands before God as a person created purposefully to be the image and likeness of God (Gen 1:26-27). That is our most fundamental identity. Further, each human being, man or woman stands before God as a sinner in desperate need of salvation (Rom 3:9-21,23). Each of us, male or female, has absolute equality of worth before God, and before one another, and a total equality of need for Jesus Christ as Saviour.

But the Bible does not teach an equality between men and women that depends on sameness, male and female are not fundamentally the same. Rather it teaches an equality that encompasses the real differences between men and women and is not threatened by them. Men and women are a complementary partnership, where the differences between them (their roles and responsibilities) are meant to serve the partnership as a whole. The weaknesses of a man are complemented by the strengths of a woman and vice versa.

Nor does the Bible teach that the differences between men and women give either one the right to dominate the other. We are not meant to be at war with each other nor in competition, we are to serve and care for each other.

This brings us to reality.

The basic problem: the self-centredness of men and women
Men have in many ways oppressed women and denied them freedoms that they should have had and the bible does not deny this. It has a clear message about what has destroyed the ideal partnership that ought to exist between men and women, and between husbands and wives.

What we see as male chauvinism and belligerence is an expression of what the Bible calls “sin” – a basic self-centredness we all share. People cannot live in harmony when each one’s chief concern is his or her own welfare. This is competition and is seen clearly in the consequence of sin in Gen 3 verse 16 where the woman will desire to control her husband but he will rule over her.

Thus while the Bible presents the ideal of men and women working together in complementary partnership, it also recognises the reality of sin that turns that partnership into competition and war.

So what is the solution? How can we reconcile these two views?

The solution: forgiveness and reconciliation in Christ
Since our problem begins with a rejection of God, the solution for us depends on God’s willingness to take us back. Humanity begins to be healed, only when human beings return to God. Men and women can only begin to be reconciled when they are first reconciled to God.
And here the news is good – the way back to God is open. Jesus died on the cross, for both men and women, to demonstrate that to each of us, and to make it possible.

And together, forgiven and reconciled, the partnership for which we were made male and female can begin again. In Christ we are being renewed in the image of our creator (cf. Colossians 3:10).

Our modern feminist thinking does not have the answers to our brokenness, our hurts, our emptiness, our frustration. Not really. It is flawed in its analysis of human nature, inadequate in its appreciation of human sinfulness, and way off the mark in its dream of liberation.

The way forward is to first be reconciled to God which opens the way for us to then be reconciled to each other as male and female so that we live life as God has created us to live – in complementary partnership.

But what about today’s woman? Of what value can this ancient poem be to the diverse, complex life-styles of women today? To the married, to the single, to the young, to the old, to those working outside the home or inside the home, to those women with children or without children? It is more relevant than you might at first expect — although it is also too good to be true.

When we examine this ancient biblical ideal of womanhood, we do not find the stereotyped housewife occupied with dirty dishes and laundry, her daily life dictated by the demands of her husband and her children. Nor do we find a hardened, overly ambitious career woman who leaves her family to fend for itself.

What we find is a strong, dignified, multitalented, caring woman who is an individual in her own right. This woman has money to invest, servants to look after and real estate to manage. She is her husband’s partner, and she is completely trusted with the responsibility for their lands, property and goods.

She has the business skills to buy and sell in the market, along with the heartfelt sensitivity and compassion to care for and fulfill the needs of people who are less fortunate. Cheerfully and energetically she tackles the challenges each day brings. Her husband and children love and respect her for her kind, generous and caring nature.

But with all her responsibilities, first and foremost, she looks to God. Her primary concern is God’s will in her life. She is a woman after God’s own heart. Let’s examine the characteristics of this remarkable woman — a role model for Christian women today.

——————————————————————————–

“A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.” The Hebrew word chayil, translated here “noble,” or “virtuous” (KJV), means a wife of valor — a strong, capable woman with strong convictions. This description of the ideal wife does not agree with those who associate femininity with weakness and passivity.

“Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.” Her husband trusts her management of their resources. Her industriousness adds to the family income.

“She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.” This woman does not do right only when it is convenient and profitable. Her actions are not based on how she is treated by others or by what others think. Her character is steady. She is reliable and dependable.

“She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands.” This woman enjoys working so much that she plans ahead for what she needs in order to accomplish her responsibilities.

“She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar.” The trait not to settle for the mediocre is portrayed by a woman who goes the extra mile for quality items.

“She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family and portions for her servant girls.” Though the woman described here has servants to take care of many of the household duties, she sets the pace. She understands that good managers have a responsibility to take care of those under their authority. That is one of her top priorities.

“She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.” Every woman doesn’t have to go into real estate and horticulture — the principle here is that this woman uses her mind. She does not act on a whim, but logically analyzes a situation before making a decision. Her goals are not only short term — she envisions the long-range benefits of her decisions.

“She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks.” We get a picture of a woman who vigorously goes about her duties. She keeps herself healthy and strong by proper health practices — good diet, adequate rest and exercise. Many people depend on her.

“She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night.” She knows that her merchandise is good and takes pride in doing a good job. Night or day, no one worries that her responsibilities are not taken care of.

“In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers.” The example she sets is one of skill and industriousness. Whether this woman would be a computer programmer, a concert pianist, a mother, or all three, she develops her talents and hones her skills through education and diligent application.

“She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy.” Although it’s good to donate to needy causes, this means far more than writing a check. This woman shows personal concern. She visits the sick, comforts the lonely and depressed, and delivers food to those in need.

“When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet.” Providing clothing for the family is one of her responsibilities. She takes this seriously, and plans ahead. She does not practice crisis management.

“She makes coverings for her bed; she is clothed in fine linen and purple.” This woman has high standards and dresses properly for the occasion.

“Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.” This man does not have to spend half his time trying to straighten out problems at home, and his success in the social world comes partly from her support, just as her success comes partly from his support. The original woman of Proverbs 31 couldn’t phone her husband for his opinion on matters. She made many of the day-to-day decisions about their property and goods. He trusted her to manage the estate efficiently.

“She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes.” This woman runs a business from her home. Her efforts and industry add to the family income.

“Strength and honor are her clothing; she shall rejoice in time to come” (NKJV). Not only does this woman benefit each day from her wise and diligent actions, long-term lifetime benefits and rewards lie in store for her.

“She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.” This woman is well read and has the facts. She knows what she is talking about. Whether about her job, her personal values or her opinion on world events, she is able to express herself intelligently, tactfully and diplomatically. People come to her for good advice.

“She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.” She is an organized, energetic person who carries out her responsibilities.

“Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her.” This woman is not a doormat, slavishly trying to appease and please her family, no matter how unreasonable their demands. She is honored in her home. Here we gain an insight into the character of her husband as well. He teaches their children to respect her and the virtues she personifies.

“Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.” High praise for this extraordinary woman — a role model for women of all time.

“Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.” Here is the key to this woman’s effectiveness. Her priorities are determined by God’s will, not her own. She is concerned about what God thinks, rather than with what other people think. Physical beauty and clever conversation are admirable qualities. But if a woman’s beauty and charm are the extent of her virtues, what happens when time and the trials of life take their toll? This woman does not depend on beauty and charm for her success. She recognizes her need for God.

“Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.” This woman is actively doing, not merely talking. She does not boast about her plans for the future or her successes of the past. They are obvious.

——————————————————————————–

Does this woman sound too good to be true? Perhaps she is. The woman described here is an idealized woman, a composite of many capable women. After all, not all people have the same skills. Some women’s strengths are in music or art. Others may be in mathematics, teaching or business. Some are better managers and organizers than others. While some women may excel at coming up with ideas, others may be more skilled at creating or producing what has been invented by someone else. No one excels at everything.

Some women work for several years after high school or college before marrying. Others, for one reason or another, do not marry at all. Does this mean that unmarried women cannot be Proverbs 31 women? No. Although this chapter describes a married woman, marriage and motherhood are not prerequisites for the successful Christian female’s life. The essential characteristics of the Proverbs 31 woman can be applied to the the single woman, too.

The model woman described in Proverbs is a portrait of ideal womanhood. The focus of this portrait is a woman’s relationship with God, not her specific abilities or marital status. The Proverbs 31 woman realizes that regardless of her natural talents or acquired skills, or all her accomplishments, her strength comes from God.

Who is a virtuous woman today? Proverbs 31 tells you that it is the woman who puts God first. The ideal woman of Proverbs 31 should encourage all women everywhere. Cultures change, but this woman’s God-inspired character still shines brightly across the centuries.

You would like to meet the inventor of the call light in a dark alley one night.

You believe not all patients are annoying … some are unconscious.

Your sense of humor seems to get more “warped” each year.

You know the phone numbers of every late night food delivery place in town by heart.

You can only tell time with a 24 hour clock.

Almost everything can seem humorous … eventually.

When asked, “What color is the patient’s diarrhea?”, you show them your shoes.

Every time you walk, you make a rattling noise because of all the scissors and clamps in your pockets.

You can tell the pharmacist more about the medicines he is dispensing than he can.

You carry “spare” meds in your pocket rather than wait for pharmacy to deliver.

You refuse to watch ER because it’s too much like the real thing and triggers “flash backs.”

You check the caller ID when the phone rings on your day off to see if someone from the hospital is trying to call to ask you to work.

You’ve been telling stories in a restaurant and had someone at another table throw up.

Every time someone asks you for a pen, you can find at least three of them on you.

You can intubate your friends at parties.

You don’t get excited about blood loss … unless it’s your own.

You live by the motto, “To be right is only half the battle, to convince the physician is more difficult.”

You’ve basted your Thanksgiving turkey with a Toomey syringe.

You’ve told a confused patient your name was that of your coworker and to HOLLER if they need help.

Eating microwave popcorn out a clean bedpan is perfectly natural.

Your bladder can expand to the same size as a Winnebago’s water tank.

When checking the level of orientation and mini mental test of a patient, you aren’t sure of the answers yourself.

You find yourself checking out other customer’s arm veins in grocery waiting lines.

You can sleep soundly at the hospital cafeteria table during dinner break, sitting up and not be embarrassed when you wake up.

You avoid unhealthy looking shoppers in the mall for fear that they’ll drop near you and you’ll have to do CPR on your day off.

Well, I wonder if you know Him. Do you know Him? Don’t try to mislead me. Do you know my king? David said, “The heavens declare the glory of God and the firmament showeth His handiwork.” No far-seeing telescope can bring into visibility the coastline of His shoreless supply. No barriers can hinder Him from pouring out His blessing.

He’s enduringly strong, He’s entirely sincere, He’s eternally steadfast. He’s immortally graceful. He’s imperially powerful. He’s impartially merciful. That’s my king. He’s God’s Son. He’s a sinner’s savior. He’s the centerpiece of civilization. He stands alone in Himself. He’s august. He’s unique. He’s unparalleled. He’s unprecedented. He’s supreme. He’s preeminent. He’s the loftiest idea in literature. He’s the highest idea in philosophy. He’s the fundamental truth in theology. He’s the cardinal necessity of spiritual religion. That’s my king.

He’s the miracle of the age. He’s the only one able to supply all of our needs simultaneously. He supplies strength for the weak. He’s available for the tempted and the tried. He sympathizes and He saves. He guards and He guides. He heals the sick, He cleans the lepers. He forgives sinners, He discharges debtors, He delivers captives, He defends the feeble, He blesses the young, He serves the unfortunate, He regards the aged, He rewards the diligent, He beautifies the meek. Do you know Him?

Well, my king is the king of knowledge, He’s the well-spring of wisdom, He’s the doorway of deliverance, He’s the pathway of peace, He’s the roadway of righteousness, He’s the highway of holiness He’s the gateway of glory, He’s the master of the mighty, He’s the captain of the conquerors, He’s the head of the heroes, He’s the leader of the legislators, He’s the overseer of the overcomers, He’s the governor of governors, He’s the prince of princes, He’s the king of Kings and the Lord of Lords. That’s my king. Yeah! That’s my king.

His life is matchless. His goodness is limitless. His mercy is everlasting. His love never changes. His word is enough. His grace is sufficient. His reign is righteous. His yoke is easy and His burden is light. Well. I wish I could describe Him to you. But He’s indescribable. He’s indescribable. Yes. He’s incomprehensible. He’s invincible, He’s irresistible. I’m trying to tell you, the Heavens cannot contain Him, let alone a man explain Him. You can’t get Him out of your mind. You can’t get Him off of your hands. You can’t outlive Him, and you can’t live without Him. Well. The Pharisees couldn’t stand Him, but they found out they couldn’t stop Him. Pilate couldn’t find any fault in Him. The witnesses [at his trial] couldn’t get their testimonies to agree. Herod couldn’t kill Him. Death couldn’t handle Him and the grave couldn’t hold Him. That’s my king. Yeah!

He always has been, and He always will be. I’m talking about He [who] had no predecessor and He [who] has no successor. There was nobody before Him and there will be nobody after Him. You can’t impeach Him, and He’s not going to resign. Praise the Lord! That’s my king. Thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory. Well. All the power belongs to my king. We around here talk about black power and white power and green power, but it’s God’s power. Thine is the power. Yeah! And the glory. We try to get prestige and honor and glory to ourselves, but the glory is all His. Thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever, and ever, and ever, and ever. How long is that? And ever, and ever, and ever, and ever, and when you get through with all of the forevers, then “Amen.””

Little wonder that we’re left so unsatisfied when we chase after anything other than Him. 

How AMAZING that he has made it possible for ANYONE who would turn to Him to be forgiven and to enjoy him for eternity?!

So how does civilization avoid this horrific nightmare of a future? Actually, it’s too late since it’s already happened.

And in order to give you a glimpse into this nightmare, I’ve compiled a list of the most bizarre plastic surgeries currently out there… from the future!

Hand Injections

Ever wish you still had the handshake of a 12 year old? Well thanks to the advent of Hand Injections, you can now soften that manly grip and calloused fingers. Hand Injections are mostly used on women who have run out of ideas on how to alter their face, but it’s surprisingly not that uncommon of a procedure as it can also be used to hide those unsightly blue snaking veins that many elderly folk get later in life.

However, one has to wonder that if we’re now injecting hands, what will we inject next? Our armpits? Oh… wait…

Botox for Your Armpits!

Though Botox is generally used to eliminate wrinkles on one’s face, many celebrities got bored with this and decided to use it on their armpits. The FDA has recently approved Botox armpit injections as an effective way to reduce excessive sweating, and it has become a relatively common procedure amongst those floating around in Hollywood.

But before you get too excited about the prospect of saving money on deodorant, realize that the procedure costs up to $2,000, only lasts between 6-12 months, and can be dangerous for your health as you retain many impurities that perspiration helps you otherwise get rid of.
Elfin Ears

With the new Star Trek movie coming out in just a few weeks, many-a-child may find themselves wishing they had Captain Spock’s cool, pointy beacons of awesomeness known as his ears. Good news, children! Thanks to the marvel of science, you now can!

Due to a new procedure dubbed “elfification,” cosmetic surgeons can now make a slit that will sharpen your ears and make you one step closer towards joining the Elven race.

Additionally, the pointed design apparently improves your hearing (probably because of some mysterious Elfin biology secret), though the healing process can take several weeks. And it will leave you looking um in my opinion, a little daft…

Toe Reduction

Ever wanted to fit back into your favorite pair of high school prom shoes? Well there’s now a surgery that makes that possible! Toe reduction is used to reduce the length of your toes and is most often used on a particular toe that stands out from the rest. The same procedure can also be used to lengthen the toe, but the lengthening is considered a much more rare operation.

The other option is just to buy a bigger pair of shoes, but what else are you supposed to do with all that leftover money?

Rib Resection

A rib resection is the disturbing new operation that allows you to remove a portion of your lower, “floating,” ribs in order to produce the illusion of having a smaller waistline.
Is eating right and exercise not working out for you? Try getting a rib resection! A rib resection is the disturbing new operation that allows you to remove a portion of your lower, “floating,” ribs in order to produce the illusion of having a smaller waistline.

So if you have a freakish aversion to a treadmill, this procedure might be right for you. For everyone else who is disturbed by the prospect of removing a rib to look thinner, well, then join the crowd.

Transdermal Modification

So when looking at the name of this operation, it sounds innocent enough, right? It has the word dermal in it, so we know it has something to do with skin. And obviously we’re modifying the skin, I guess. But that “trans” in “transdermal” is where everything goes crazy.

Transdermal modification refers to the process of implanting jewelry under the skin.
That’s because transdermal modification refers to the process of implanting jewelry under the skin. Yep, freaky Goths and psychos everywhere have transcended piercings entirely and have decided to just get their metal scraps implanted directly under the surface of their skin. By placing ball bearings and other metallic objects under the skin, it makes the recipient resemble a demon or mutant – something that I can imagine would be extremely appealing to wannabe supervillains.

But for the rest of us, we just have to shake our heads and cry ourselves to sleep at night wondering “why?!”

* Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

* Drive carefully. More than cars can be recalled by their maker.

* If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

* Your sole purpose in life may be to serve as a warning to others.

* Never buy a car you can’t push.

* Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time; you won’t have a leg to stand on.

* Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.

* Since it’s the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.

* When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

* Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

* You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

* Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.

* We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names, and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.

when your emotion is too strong for speech u sing, when the emotion is too strong for song you dance x

bible verses about dance:

EXO 15:20  Then Miriam the prophetess, Aaron’s sister, took a tambourine in
her hand, and all the women followed her, with tambourines and dancing.

1SA 18:6  When the men were returning home after David had killed the
Philistine, the women came out from all the towns of Israel to meet King
Saul with singing and dancing, with joyful songs and with tambourines and
lutes.

2SA 6:14  David, wearing a linen ephod, danced before the LORD with all his
might,

JOB 21:11  They send forth their children as a flock; their little ones
dance about.

PSA 30:11  You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and
clothed me with joy,

149:3  Let them praise his name with dancing and make music to him with
tambourine and harp.

150:4  praise him with tambourine and dancing, praise him with the strings
and flute,

ECC 3:4  a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to
dance,

JER 31:4  I will build you up again and you will be rebuilt, O Virgin
Israel. Again you will take up your tambourines and go out to dance with
the joyful.

13  Then maidens will dance and be glad, young men and old as well. I will
turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead
of sorrow.

LAM 5:15  Joy is gone from our hearts; our dancing has turned to mourning.

Quotes on dancing:

Stifling an urge to dance is bad for your health – it rusts your spirit and your hips
Dancing is the loftiest, the most moving, the most beautiful of the arts, because it is not mere translation or abstraction from life; it is life itself.
Dance is the hidden language of the soul
Movement never lies. It is a barometer telling the state of the soul’s weather
Dance is a song of the body. Either of joy or pain
The dance is a poem of which each movement is a word.
Music begins to atrophy when it departs too far from the dance.
I see dance being used as communication between body and soul, to express what it too deep to find for words
Anyone who says sunshine brings happiness has never danced in the rain.
dancing can cure anything… even a boken leg.

it is a rarity as a professional to have such a close relationship with your “clientele”. We routinely probe our patients with regards to the intimate details of their lives, relationships , partners and finances; there really is no stone left unturned. No doubt a good social history is of immense value, however as we ask these questions on a daily basis it is easy to forget just how unnatural it is to expect one to divulge such information to a complete stranger. And when you think about it, the task of attempting to gain a perception of an individual’s life within a brief consultation seems unrealistic, especially with time never being on the side of the nurse.

Examination is yet another routine procedure, and as a student having examined numerous patients it all seems fairly standard. But when carrying out such procedures, how often do we stop to think about just how strange it must seem to a patient to have their finger pricked, and their blood pressure measured. Just contemplating more intimate procedures really does highlight the point im trying to make. i was once told by a patient who had undergone a digital rectal examination that it was the most “humiliating” experience of his life, but how often do we as students stop to think about the extent to which we are invading a patients personal space when we examine them? indeed, the first time you are involved with any such intimate assistance (such as a bed wash) it may seem overwhelming. soon however, any feelings of embarassment begin to fade. You learn in Nursing to put aside your own sentiments for the sake of professionalism, and to act like a nurse.

This brings me nicely onto my next point; who would have thought when joining nursing school that a large portion of your time would be spent acting? we are all taught how to “play the part” of a good nurse; we are taught empathy, body language and much as an actor memorises their lines we learn to recite a long detailed script of how to take an accurate nursing assessment. At this point the dreaded word “OSCE” probably springs to mind. Having to demonstrate empathy with an actor playing the part of a distressed patient, whilst being observed closely by an examiner sitting less than a metre away, assessing your body language, facial expressions, tone of voice and appropriateness of language. is this really the best way of assessing an individuals skills or would a less contrived situation, which does not rely on theatrical ability, be more appropriate?

My intention in writing this blog is not to criticise but simply to highlight the unique and delicate nature of what nurses strive to accomplish. By simply being aware of the bizarre nature of some of the things that we do, and by not succumbing to the nurse-only world of jargon and desensitisation, we can be more humble and successful in what we do.